from the chapbook FOUND FORMULA (March 2014)
FOUND APOLOGY LETTERS
This is the most important letter that I have ever written, and these the most important words: I’m sorry.
We would like to sincerely apologize to the whole world for posting some fake toy ads that aroused a series of anxiety of disgust on the internet.
I know you probably don’t want to hear from me, but I still want to express my deepest apologies for sexting with your husband.
Words can’t express how sorry I am for missing your wedding.
Sorry for the mistake of which I was totally unaware of making.
I am writing to apologize for my behavior during our meeting last Wednesday.
Sorry I busted your lip yesterday with an x-box controller.
I’m sorry for including a picture of you in the backyard of your mansion wearing a bathing suit on my blog.
I’m sorry for the absurdity of this apology. It’s exactly what you asked for and entirely ridiculous.
Our sincere apologies for any inconvenience you may have experience last month with respect to the installation of your high speed internet service.
I’m very sorry I was so naughty and tried to bite you.
I’m sorry for my clothes touching yours in the closet. And for breathing your air.
I apologize if anything I have said or done has caused you embarrassment or disappointment.
You make me feel so safe, Jessica, and my apology is only for not being able to keep us together.
I’m not sorry or bothered by the fact that I broke into your house.
It was your fault anyway, as you’re thick enough to have left your downstairs kitchen window open. I wouldn’t do that in a million years.
Posting that image of you was far too forceful an action, and I’m willing to take it down.
Even Darth Vader, an evil lord, couldn’t leave his son to die at the end of Return to the Jedi.
Dan has been a good friend to me over the years and I threw all of that away to feel good.
It was distressing to learn that the chocolate we shipped to your firm last week arrived in bits and pieces.
Maybe if you didn’t request this letter I could have forgiven you.
It was our personal trial to challenge creativity, but we got carried away.
I had a bath and went to the vet earlier that day, so I was feeling scared.
He approached me in a flirtatious way that I did not ignore.
I have learned that some aspects of my conduct have not moved with the times and are considered by some to be inappropriate.
I should have waited to talk to you in private about the matter and not in front of everyone else.
It was by accident that referred to you in a disrespectful way.
I was wrong, terribly wrong. I owe it to future generations to explain why.
I went out drinking the night before and slept through the ceremony.
I returned from vacation last week and found that your complaint had not been addressed.
I’m punishing myself by giving up YouTube for a week.
It won’t happen a second time, and I will never have to give up YouTube again.
We beg for your forgiveness for such a naive and irresponsible behavior.
I blame my wife.
I promise to make it up to you soon.
Here are some rice krispy treats you can eat while I give you an apology blowjob later.
A new shipment has been sent and will arrive on May 26th.
With this note, I have corrected and apologized for Saturday’s incident.
Tell me how to make this better.
I have been your employee for three years now and would like to continue working for you.
I have let my family down, and I regret the decisions that had led to this with all of my heart.
I honestly meant no harm and hope that you can work through this.
I will no longer embrace my coworkers sensually.
We’ve had a number of staff changes which might have resulted in your letter being overlooked.
I still remain a huge supporter and will certainly vote for him in the next election.
We would like to offer you a free dinner so we can show you our usual higher level of service.
We promise next time we will be better prepared with potatoes.